Three body language skills for honest conversations
Is hidden anxiety interfering with your ability to communicate honestly and openly? We are all struggling with strong feelings and avoid talking about what we really think, for many reasons. Active listening and honest response literally feel too risky.
We avoid it or say we’ll do it tomorrow…which never comes.
The proliferation of crises (now officially called the polycrisis) is elevating everyone’s blood pressure. Combined with our post-COVID hybrid reality, there’s less and less in-person contact time to non-verbally resonate with each other on an animal, body-to-body level. Community is eroding.
The concept of active, or authentic listening is supposed to be the solution, but way it’s taught assumes that people can do things that are actually quite difficult even in the best of circumstances!
Things like:
- Set your own agenda aside
- Indicate you care about what the person is saying
- See the world as the other person sees it
- Keep an open mind
What??? For me, these things are humbling and difficult when the stakes are so high. From what I can see, most of us are barely managing. We long to be honest, but often keep our real thoughts to ourselves.
Just one extra breath, one small pause for non-verbal resonance between us can transform a conversation.
Hence, my current focus on active listening, a hot topic in the business world these days but something we all need to practice.
Now, I’m a teacher who focuses on connecting people to their own physical experience as a positive foundation for thinking and behavior. Embodiment skills are more concrete, and more do-able, than conceptual prompts. And, if you are more “out of your head” and “into your body,” concepts become more accessible.
It might seem weird that to center your attention on your own body could somehow be connected to “setting your own agenda aside”!
However, this shift of attention to sensory experience puts you in the present moment. One proven side effect is that it calms your mind. Your brain can only pay attention to one thing at a time, so it’s best to choose something that’s actually happening right now, like breathing.
In this weeks video, I teach three tips for slowing down and responding authentically to what someone has said – whether you are with them in person or not.
1) Wait
Wait for the person to finish. It’s likely that you may already be formulating a response in your own mind, and if so, just let that idea rise and fall, and wait some more. There might be…a few seconds of silence. Just let that be, no one will die. It’s hard! I personally need the most practice with this piece.
2) Breathe
Take one whole breath before responding. Notice and enjoy the natural rhythm of your own breathing – you don’t have to slow down. In fact, it helps the other person to understand your true feelings and intentions if they perceive the tempo of your breathing and the cadence of your voice.
This pause will help you acknowledge and settle any low level anxiety you may have and breath it out.
Another benefit is that you oxygenate your brain and body! You can think more clearly and respond with easier breath support for your own speech.
3) See/perceive the other person before responding
Tune into the person you are speaking to as you are speaking. I call this an “open nervous system,” one that is perceiving and acting at the same time. It’s worth practice, because when folks know they are seen it unconsciously calms their nervous system.
Both parties can stay present to changing meanings and feelings even in the midst of communication.
(In part 1, I teach three steps for authentic listening. HERE is the blog post, and HERE is the video).
Yes, I am trying to convince you that you deserve some support around this topic. When it comes to your body and your relationship to it, there are no quick fixes.
And that’s a good thing. Everybody’s always talking about how we need to slow down, but few of us are able to make that choice in the face of our own anxieties. It takes conscious intention, luxurious practice time, and deep trust to put that fear-tornado down and try a different path.
We need each other to build trust – it doesn’t happen in isolation. Practice with a friend!
I hope these two teachings give you tools to transform a tricky conversation from an anxiety producing event to a meaningful, pleasurable one! Real conversations add up to healthy community, hope, and change.